Just Joking

A guy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, “Give me twenty shots of your best Scotch, quick!” The bartender pours out the shots, and the guy drinks them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, “Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.”

The guy says, “Well, you’d drink that fast too if you had what I have.”

The bartender says “Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?”

The guy says, “Fifty cents.”

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

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We got these by email today, and it included this comment:

Also, please note that the problem with the second one isn’t the kangaroo in the house, nor the cigarette in its mouth, nor the over-sized stubby, nor the fact that a child has it, nor the fact that he’s drinking beer with a straw (I saw somebody do that in a pub yesterday).

The reason it’s wrong is that no-one in Australia drinks Fosters.

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and shouts to the crowd of drinkers: “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 to anybody in here who can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room goes quiet and no one takes up the offer.

One man leaves. Thirty minutes later he comes back and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up ten pints of Guinness. The Irishman sculls all ten with only the odd pause for breath.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

He gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”.

The Irishman replies “I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. When predators attack the herd, they go for the slowest and weakest animals at the back.

This is natural selection at work and it is good for the herd as a whole because its general speed and health is improved by the regular killing of its slowest and weakest members.

In the same way, the human brain is only as fast as its slowest cells. Too much alcohol kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest cells first.

Regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain faster and more efficient.

Which is why you always feel a lot smarter after a few beers.

And to think it all started last night with ‘Spin the Cat’ in the beer garden!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the toilet.

He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, “I spat in this beer, do not drink!”.

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, “So did I!”

The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) were at a national beer conference.

They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.

The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, “I’ll have a Tooheys New.”

The General Manager of Carlton smiles and says, “I’ll have a Carlton Draught, brewed from the finest hops.”

The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, “I’ll have a Coopers, the King of Beers.”

The bloke from XXXX says, “I’ll have a XXXX, the cleanest beer on the planet.”

The General Manager from Cascades glances at his lunch mates and says, “I’ll have a Diet Coke.”

The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.

He just shrugs and says, “Well if you wankers aren’t drinking beer, then neither will I.”